Saturday, 18 November 2017

The Dreaded Tinder Phase

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”-Rumi
Oh gosh, I don't even know where to begin lol. It's such a cringey phase! Tinder itself is not all that evil. But the kind of person I was while using the app is just sad. So right after my ex left me, I was devastated. I was very confused. I was just a pitiful creature of hate, anger, and loneliness. On the outside I have my shit together, I don't want my family to worry too much. A part of me have accepted that this is just another part of life that everyone goes through and I just wanted to show that I am coping well.

At this point, all I think about was HOW DO I MOVE ON. Well what do you know, the answer to the question is Tinder!! Haha. I thought it was just to have a distraction, but deep inside I wanted validation. I was lonely. So I went out to numerous dates to fill the void. I met so many people, each individual taught me so much. I am very grateful for the experiences.

I can't remember now but in a span of three months I went out with 9 different guys (not including the ones that was just on chat). I was genuine every time with each, but it just didn't work out, whenever a connection ends I feel more empty inside and it felt like I have put no value to these brief encounters, how can it be so, when my intention was not to cause hurt or to be hurt? You see, I didn't know what I'm looking for is inside me and not external. It took me 9 people of painful encounters, more blowjobs than I can care to give, unnecessary unsafe intercourses to realise this is not the way to healing. I have looked every where but failed to look inside myself.

It was not all for naught though. As these experiences were essential for me to finally sit in silence and stillness. To listen, truly listen to this void. To let it just stare back at me. Then, the void revealed itself to be nothing but the thirst to find my purpose. To find something bigger than me to surrender all of myself.

Fast forward to last week, I downloaded Tinder again after months of inactivity. My colleague brought it up, saying I should try Tinder again but yeah, it no longer has the same buzz. So I just went ahead and deleted it again.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi

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